Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
