My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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