He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize