I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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