It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Randomize