You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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