i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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