Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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