I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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