My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
she peed on how many people?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
