I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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