I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
