He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
