I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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