it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
