I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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