i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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