on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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