I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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