I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize