where does the pee come out of this thing
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
