walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
