first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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