dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
