You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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