Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
