Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
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