I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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