Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
