The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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