Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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