Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
