Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
