i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
