Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Randomize
