Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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