i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
