so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
