she kept yelling 'call me bella'
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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