I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
