Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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