I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize