I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I am one with the molecules
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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