k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
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