i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
