I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize