before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Randomize
