So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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