I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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