Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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