For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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