every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
