Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
