He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
