i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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