OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
