Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
i barfeds in our rink
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize
