About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Randomize