I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
