he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
