It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
