I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I just gift wrapped bread.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
