Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
