You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Randomize
