I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
