Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
