my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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