saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
