Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
My liver just broke up with me...
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
